Archive for September, 2008

Something Has Gotta Give

It’s after 2 a.m. on a Monday night and as dead tired as I am, I can’t seem to sleep.  Ever have one of those nights where your heart is racing a million miles an hour and your head is full of jumbled thoughts, fears, to-do lists, worries, and revelations?  I know you have.   I am actually one of the lucky ones.  Normally sleep comes very easily for me…it’s actually one of my best skills–sleeping.  I could compete with the best of them if there was ever some sort of sleep competition.  But I ramble…

Traditionally, I stray away from using blogging as a form of journaling–putting my private thoughts on public display is not generally my idea of good time. However, I am learning a lot about being honest with myself and others and understanding that with vulnerability comes great reward and great release.  Today I need to vent a bit.  It’s been building the past few days…a growing sense of anxiety and sinking feeling that resembles depression. No, not clinical, just that hopeless, down-and-out feeling when you realize that there is no good solution to the monumental problem(s) in your life.

Here is my problem. I love my job. I love my community, but something’s gotta give. I am exhausted (I know this is magnified right now due to a bad cold that has me sniffling and sneezing and thinking only of sleep) but it’s more than just doing “too much.”  It’s a deep understanding that I may, in fact, be totally crazy–totally insane for choosing this life. I am wondering, have I made a grave mistake in returning to St. Stephen?  I have taken a job that totally consumes my life because I believe in what I am doing so strongly. I believe in SSU and the education that is given here. I also believe that western culture has it wrong in so many ways and I don’t want to live the life that I see so many of my peers living. I want my life to count for something more than a job title, more than my name on a piece of property…I want to make people a priority and get back to a more simplistic lifestyle. I want to actually LIVE OUT a faith that I believe with my whole heart. That is part of the reason I chose to return to this tiny town in southern New Brunswick, and entirely the reason that I have stayed for 3 years now.  I have amazing friends, adopted family, a great social life, a job I love, and a masters degree in the works…and yet there is one thing so obviously missing.

I went to a wedding this past weekend. It was beautiful, simple and so perfectly painful to realize that, in fact, I cannot have my cake and eat it too. Something has to give if I want the whole marriage-and-family bit of life. And the truth is, I do. I absolutely do. I don’t think I could have confidently said that just a year ago.  And so now I wonder with dread if I have to give up something I love in pursuit of something I want.  The truth is I can’t ever imagine meeting anyone who is crazy enough to want this life with me.  To walk beside me though my continuing education while I work at a terribly underpaid and demanding job only to turn around and pour back into a broken town in one of the poorest places in Canada…oh yes, all the while living miles away from family (because this place is miles away from everywhere), job opportunities, suburbia, and box stores. Now there’s an offer!!

I wonder at what cost have I chosen this life. I am not looking for someone to rescue me from it. I am looking for someone to love me through what can only be described as pure insanity. But not only love me…they must love this place, these people, this God that i so desperately love.

Now do you see why I feel so depressed?  I can’t ask that of someone, and soon I need to decide what I can really ask of myself.  Do a hundred good friends make up for lack of romantic connection? I know what it is to feel alone. I also know what it is to push through that feeling and find that I am stronger and more capable than I ever imagined and for that I am so thankful.  It really is not a matter of need. It is not even a matter of faith (I am not one of those people who thinks God has a perfect person for everyone…I am far too practical), it is honestly and truly a matter of want.  My “simple” life has become incredibly complicated, and my passion for learning to love and live well is causing me to spread myself so thin that I give inadequately to everyone, including myself.

And I am so very very tired. And I think I am too young to feel this way.

So what do I do?

I have no answer…just a growing sense of dread that something’s gotta give.


Good Advice

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things"

Currently reading…

"'Tis" by Frank McCourt


September 2008
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