Whispers of Change

“I don’t know nothing except change will come…” -Patty Griffin, “When it Don’t Come Easy”

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. As much as I would like to, i can’t seem to get away from it. Change is in the air, and I have come to realize that change may be the only constant thing in life. The only thing that you can really count on happening. I have never been one to embrace change but I am finding that there is comfort to be found in that thought.

We had our 30th convocation ceremony this weekend here at SSU. It’s a season of change in the SSU community and in some ways it feels representative of things to come in my own life. I just wish I knew what those things were. It is a bizarre thing to be walking down a road that is clearly going somewhere but have no idea where, exactly, it’s taking you. Part of me feels like I have never had so much direction in all my life, and part of me has never felt so very lost.

Change is coming.

I am scared.

But I have faith.

It has occurred to me that security lies not in knowing where you are going, but rather in knowing who you are. It means that the road may take you anywhere it likes and but your confidence is found in the knowledge that whatever happens, you will be just fine.

I will be just fine. I am telling myself that as much as I am telling you. Perhaps more. I cannot get away from who I am and it looks like I am finally giving in. This is both good news and bad news. The bad news is that I am quite sure that my life is not going to end up looking the way I thought it might…or the way you thought it would for that matter. The good news is that the possibilities are endless and I can breathe a sigh of relief–relief to know that it will be my own choice that takes me this way or that, rather than following someone else’s lead or push because I am too insecure in my own ability to decide what is good for me.

Confidence is a tricky thing. It comes and goes with complete unpredictability and you are never quite sure if it’s going to be there to back you up. I’ve been working hard at not losing it. It’s not an easy thing to do. It means not compromising when I normally would, and not listening to all those voices in my head trying to tell me that i just can’t do it (no, i don’t mean literal voices, i’m not THAT crazy…yet). It also means looking at people and saying, “thanks for the input/advice/direction, but I choose not to follow it.” It feels bad to let people down, but it feels good find my voice. Being all things to all people has, for me, meant losing myself–a price I have realized is no longer worth paying.

So bring on the change. I am afraid, but i will be just fine.


3 Responses to “Whispers of Change”

  1. 1 becks April 22, 2008 at 2:19 am

    Change is something I dislike to an extreme… unless it is thoroughly planned in advance. In like that you share yourself like this on your blog Shelley. I like to read because I not only learn more about you, and see the “you” that you see more clearly, but but you also teach me more about myself. You’re a great friend and although I advise you to come to Korea and me my friend here… I understand if you need to disregard such advice. 😀

    I’ll still love you.

  2. 2 Barrett April 22, 2008 at 1:46 pm

    Sounds like someone is stumping for Obama! haha

    I never thought I’d be working in Upper Canada for 5 years…here’s hoping that change will bring me home at some point!

  3. 3 sweetlybroken April 24, 2008 at 12:54 am

    most famous words “change is good donkey”, sometimes the easiest thing to do is to blindly follow once you’ve given up on needing to know why. Me, I’m a huge fan of change, it keeps me looking “fresh and new”. Keep on looking fresh and new girl and accept that some folks have unrealistic expectations.
    Blessings on you.

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